when January ends and February begins - a snapshot

Practicing skateboarding - at least try to, cold winter wind in the face, mountains on the horizon, rainy birthday - couldn't be any better, being vivid, making mistakes - intentionally, realizing that some mistakes are unavoidable - should not be avoided - must not be avoided - cannot be avoided, venturing more, daring more, risking more, overcoming fear, being brave(r), being afraid of risking to much, starting to like - nevertheless, not want to be disappointed - again, want to be want, longing to be liked backed, snow on the skin, day dreaming, being best friends - enjoying to be best friends, being happy to have a best friend, practicing snowboarding - at least try to, accepting challenges, dreaming, laughing, having doubts - for short moments or even longer ones, opening up, being lonely - sometimes, rushing water, snow on the fields, snow underneath, listening, being there for each other, being there for others, valuing friends - and letting them know, valuing in general, living, being free, not thinking - from time to time, dancing, thinking too much - every now and again - mostly in the wrong moments, wanting more, feeling music, feeling, concentrating, wanting more, feeling free - seizing those moments, wanting more, dreaming of journeys, planning journeys, looking forward to coming home, being happy to be at home, feeling alive, being - simply being.

Made a wrong turn once or twice, bad decisions: that's alright.

This last year has been fucking hard, but I have learned a lot and maybe it was simply necessary to go through all this shit to be able to see, to recognize, to understand and most important of all to feel what I see, recognize, understand and feel now. For sure I still wish it would have also been able to do so without all that shit that has happened, I still wish I had been smarter before, that some of the things could have worked out or would have at least happened in a different way. Whatever.

I feel better know, I feel a bit grown up, more focused, especially more focused on me. I am about to realize that there is no use in comparing, no use in trynna be the way someone could want me, expect me to be, how it might be supposed to be, no use in trynna be the way someone else is.
I am about to realize that who I am and will be, what I am and will be, how it is and will be, is not dependent on someone else, but on me only.
I am about to realize that there is always gonne be a future. Doing this instead of that does not mean it'll be all screwed up, does not mean I screwed it all up.
I am about to realize that trynna prepare for just something, for a simple option, trynna reach something I might eventually be able to do, but that I might not even wanna do, is not what life is all about. Not for me at least. That there is especially no use in doing so when that means you're missing the present, when you have to give up who you are. I missed a big part of my present, I gave up a big part of myself. I am not willing to continue this.

This was a hard lesson learned, but a very important one. What was, is maybe best about it is that it made me also realize that I am not so alone; that I am so not alone. I might be a loner (sometimes), I need time on my own, for myself, maybe even a lot of time, I might do certain things differently, but: I am not alone. There are a couple of very special people, people very special to me, let's call them friends, sisters, brother, mother, who are with me.
Thank you.

I am so very well aware that this whole shit I am writing today is way to sentimental and more than theatrical, but hell, I have just started to feel better, to see things in a different way, different light, to calm down, to relax, to look at what I have and not on what I could have and what I am missing or what I thought I was missing. It feels so much better than trynna be perfect for whoever or whatever. That just seems to be fucking perfect to me.

PS: Thanks PINK for writing the soundtrack to this blog entry. I am more than honored :)