I am not very good in standing still. And to me it seems like 2012 has been a year of stillness, no progress. Standing still has been and still is hard for me to accept and sometimes it really made me go crazy. I tried hard to break the stillness, but did not succeed which made it even harder to accept. I could say I'm wiser for it. But the be honest I am sure that there will be lots of moments in the future were I'll look back on 2012 with regrets, melancholically, there'll be questions that I won't be able to answer myelf.
So 2012 was a tough year. I've seen better days, for sure. But on the other hand I should not, I must not forget that I had nice moments, too.
April 21, for example, when my volleyball team that was supposed to be disband before the season was promoted.
Or April 25, the Wednesday on which I watched the Champions League semifinals rematch with my sister and two guys from Angola in Windhoek, Namibia. The seminfinals rematch FC Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid, one of the crasiest matches I have ever seen.
July 26, up in the mountains, hiking with my sister.
The night from October 6 to October 7, that I spent in the night train Berlin - Cologne, together with a 60 year old Irish farmer who I was talking to and disucssing with until 5 in the morning.
October 14, when I was running my 2nd half-marathon and afterwards going to a suprise concert with my sister.
October 21, a bright and sunny Sunday on which I was wandering around Heidelberg, one of my favorite cities in the world.
December 15 and 16, the weekend on which I explored the french soul and the behavior of boars with my roommates and a good friend in the kitchen of our apartment, on which I was dancing with my new roommate and his friend the next night, on which I was talking to my good old friend who made me realize that sometimes standing still is a necessity.
There will be lots of moments in the future were I'll look back on 2012 with regrets, melancholically, there'll be questions that I won't be able to answer myelf. But in moments like this I'll also trynna remember those good days I had. And I will, I am gonna remember myself what I'm always gonna have: I am alive, I am free and no later than 2013 I'm gonna be back on the pursuit of happiness also.
Samstag, 29. Dezember 2012
Dienstag, 4. Dezember 2012
unhappily happy winter blues thoughts
Doing a headstand, sitting on top of the "mountain" of Munich's Olympic Park - at night, watching stars, feeling snow on your face, breathing in - really deeply, warming up your hands at a hot cup of coffee - or tea, painting, walking really slowly, closing the eyes and listening to this one song that is touching your heart, going ice skating, falling in love - maybe - or not, meeting old friends again, feeling the warmth of the radiator, travelling spontaneously, activating your inner cinema and dreaming away to Norway, melting chochlate on your tongue, beeing sentimental for no reason, baking christmas cookies with your mamma, looking at the lights in the streets, listening to the sound of snow, thinking of the good old times, being cold for fun, saying goodbye and welcome at the same time,looking out of the window, eating nuts and oranges in front of a tiled stove, beeing sad - at least a bit, longing away while already missing home, staying home an desperately longing away, being friends, waiting until the new year finally arrives, playing christmas carols on the guitar, being unhappily happy and happily unhappy at the same time, waiting for a sign, waiting for somebody - or anybody, thinking: nothing at all - or at least try to.
Donnerstag, 8. November 2012
Moments like this
Life might still be a bitch, but in fact it is these little moments that make life yet worthwhile, little moments that might even have the power to make everything worthwhile, little moments that make you stop thinking and simply consist of pure feeling. They might mean nothing or all, they might not even last a second, but have impact forever...or at least make you forget about this bitch called life for this very moment.
It is moment like this....
...when you are riding your bike home and feel the fresh fall air in your face
...when you close your eyes and fell the sun on your skin
...when you jump into a big heap of foliane
...when you can't stop crying because of a movie
...when it starts snowing and you take a deep breath of that snow-cold air
...when you giggle with your sisters
...when you watch the clouds pass by
...when you look into the eyes of someone and feel connected at once
...when you realize that someone is a real friend
...when you look into a sky full of stars
...when you are riding a train through your homeland and feel truly connected ...when you give something to someone that cannot be bought with money
...when you watch a bird in the sky and can feel its freedom
...when you sit at the beach listening to and watching the waves of the sea
...when you close your eyes and get kissed softely by someone on the forehead
...when you feel home
...when you have reached the top of a mountain and are gazing into distance
...when you are watching a plain that is about to land and think of all the people coming home with it
...when you watch reunions at the airport
...when you get goose bumps because of a song
...when you start dancing in the middle of a supermarket
...when you truly feel the music you are listening to
...when you might not only feel the music, but just start moving to it
...when you realize that you are loved by someone and love that someone back
There are a thousand more little moments like this, they are a very personal experience and cannot be planned - that is what makes them so special, that is what gives them their power. So no matter how life is treating you right now - if such a little moment is happening to you, make sure to enjoy it to the full!
If you don't like what oyu have just read... you can find a whole other interpretation of today's blog entry topic "moments like this" by listening to Reamonn's song..you can also listen to it if you like my words and simply do some head banging or dancing ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLYs1RhSM6k&feature=related
It is moment like this....
...when you are riding your bike home and feel the fresh fall air in your face
...when you close your eyes and fell the sun on your skin
...when you jump into a big heap of foliane
...when you can't stop crying because of a movie
...when it starts snowing and you take a deep breath of that snow-cold air
...when you giggle with your sisters
...when you watch the clouds pass by
...when you look into the eyes of someone and feel connected at once
...when you realize that someone is a real friend
...when you look into a sky full of stars
...when you are riding a train through your homeland and feel truly connected ...when you give something to someone that cannot be bought with money
...when you watch a bird in the sky and can feel its freedom
...when you sit at the beach listening to and watching the waves of the sea
...when you close your eyes and get kissed softely by someone on the forehead
...when you feel home
...when you have reached the top of a mountain and are gazing into distance
...when you are watching a plain that is about to land and think of all the people coming home with it
...when you watch reunions at the airport
...when you get goose bumps because of a song
...when you start dancing in the middle of a supermarket
...when you truly feel the music you are listening to
...when you might not only feel the music, but just start moving to it
...when you realize that you are loved by someone and love that someone back
There are a thousand more little moments like this, they are a very personal experience and cannot be planned - that is what makes them so special, that is what gives them their power. So no matter how life is treating you right now - if such a little moment is happening to you, make sure to enjoy it to the full!
If you don't like what oyu have just read... you can find a whole other interpretation of today's blog entry topic "moments like this" by listening to Reamonn's song..you can also listen to it if you like my words and simply do some head banging or dancing ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLYs1RhSM6k&feature=related
Sonntag, 7. Oktober 2012
Forrest's Mama knows it all...
I don't know if Forrest Gump's Mama was ever riding a train a all, bu I am pretty sure that she had never taken the night train, in one of those 6-man cabins that you can get tickets on-line for not too much money. Yet she knew it all, cuz: Night trains are like a box of chocolate - you never know who's gonna be with you in your cabin.
I have been using that cheap-ticket-night-train option quite a bit(good, though not the most comfy way to travel through Europe when you don't have that much money) and hell, yeah, it is always exciting who you get along as company with this seat in the 6-man cabin in a train that is taking you from A to B... Sometimes you can tell the very first second you see your company what night you will have...like on my trip from Munich to Paris last January...three big black women were entering the cabin and I was sure this night would be one of little sleep and lots of loud talk and laughter...or when I was going from Munich to Venice, only an Italian middle-aged women and I - I knew that it would be quite a relaxing ride with lots of space, at least some sleep and almost no worries about someone steeling your stuff.
But sometimes your first impression is full of prejudices as well a stereo types and the night on the train takes a surprising and interesting course.
Like the one from Venice to Munich when I was in the cabin with Miroslav and his friend, both truck drivers, about 50 years old and Germans with migration background from an Eastern Europe country. When I stepped in the cabin I have to admit I was not very happy about my company, but the two were the most polite guys that finally were scared of me when I started to scream while sleeping and not the other way round.
Kind of the same happened yesterday night when I was on the night train from Berlin to Cologne. I was not to pleased to see that I would be all alone in the cabin with a 60-year old almost toothless guy in a jogging suit (who happened to be a farmer from Ireland with a strong passion for traveling whenever there is just a little bit of money left and who had already been to Cuba and Viet Nam and who was once refused to enter Israel)...but I ended up talking to him until 5 in the morning about traveling, Irish history, the unknown, WW II , the sense of jails and so mnny other things although there would have been enough space to sleep all night long in a not too uncomfy position.
As a girl who is taking the night train on her own I always have some butterflies in my stomach as I never know what piece of chocolate I'm gonna get out of the box as company in my 6 man cabin. But so far I can say that the pieces might have tasted differently and differently good, yet they were all made of chocolate and I still like the taste of chocolate a lot.
I have been using that cheap-ticket-night-train option quite a bit(good, though not the most comfy way to travel through Europe when you don't have that much money) and hell, yeah, it is always exciting who you get along as company with this seat in the 6-man cabin in a train that is taking you from A to B... Sometimes you can tell the very first second you see your company what night you will have...like on my trip from Munich to Paris last January...three big black women were entering the cabin and I was sure this night would be one of little sleep and lots of loud talk and laughter...or when I was going from Munich to Venice, only an Italian middle-aged women and I - I knew that it would be quite a relaxing ride with lots of space, at least some sleep and almost no worries about someone steeling your stuff.
But sometimes your first impression is full of prejudices as well a stereo types and the night on the train takes a surprising and interesting course.
Like the one from Venice to Munich when I was in the cabin with Miroslav and his friend, both truck drivers, about 50 years old and Germans with migration background from an Eastern Europe country. When I stepped in the cabin I have to admit I was not very happy about my company, but the two were the most polite guys that finally were scared of me when I started to scream while sleeping and not the other way round.
Kind of the same happened yesterday night when I was on the night train from Berlin to Cologne. I was not to pleased to see that I would be all alone in the cabin with a 60-year old almost toothless guy in a jogging suit (who happened to be a farmer from Ireland with a strong passion for traveling whenever there is just a little bit of money left and who had already been to Cuba and Viet Nam and who was once refused to enter Israel)...but I ended up talking to him until 5 in the morning about traveling, Irish history, the unknown, WW II , the sense of jails and so mnny other things although there would have been enough space to sleep all night long in a not too uncomfy position.
As a girl who is taking the night train on her own I always have some butterflies in my stomach as I never know what piece of chocolate I'm gonna get out of the box as company in my 6 man cabin. But so far I can say that the pieces might have tasted differently and differently good, yet they were all made of chocolate and I still like the taste of chocolate a lot.
Mittwoch, 5. September 2012
Obama? Obama!
When I was a young kid I was really fascinated by Heinz Sielmann, a German biologist, ethologist and animal film/documentary maker. But besides him and my Mom who I admire for her strength, strong will and love for us kids, the Obamas, and especially the first lady Michelle, are the first people in my life who I really look up to, who I consider as role models. I got chills while only reading about the First Lady's speech on the Democratic Convention. I don't know how big the influence of the President on the politics of the United States can actually be - with all these constraints he has to deal with - but I really hope that President Obama gets re-elected,that he gets the chance to serve for a second term - not only because I like, admire him personally, not only because I think that he did not do such a bad job in this worldwide difficult times during the last 4 years, but also because I would feel much better to know that one of the (few) good guys is President of the United States and that this good guy would have a strong, wonderful and inspiring wife at his side.
Montag, 27. August 2012
Like a flower in the desert
Sometimes a single story is enough to make you realize again what you are working, what you are fighting for.
I have just been watching Desert Flower, the story about Waris Dirie, her life and her fight against FGM. And although I had read her book before, although I knew what this movie was about, what I had to expect to see, I have just found myself crying for the last hour. Crying because of the unbearable injustice in this world, crying because of despair why such things are happening, why people are doing something like this, crying because of fear that mankind will never stop behaving this way.
And yet besides all this crying, stories like the one told by Waris Dirie are inspiring, motivating and a great source of strength to continue to fight for a better world. I do not know if I will ever succeed to make a difference in this world, to make a contribution to change it to the better, but for me there is no other choice than to make an attempt. There is nothing to lose.
Thank you Desert Flower.
I have just been watching Desert Flower, the story about Waris Dirie, her life and her fight against FGM. And although I had read her book before, although I knew what this movie was about, what I had to expect to see, I have just found myself crying for the last hour. Crying because of the unbearable injustice in this world, crying because of despair why such things are happening, why people are doing something like this, crying because of fear that mankind will never stop behaving this way.
And yet besides all this crying, stories like the one told by Waris Dirie are inspiring, motivating and a great source of strength to continue to fight for a better world. I do not know if I will ever succeed to make a difference in this world, to make a contribution to change it to the better, but for me there is no other choice than to make an attempt. There is nothing to lose.
Thank you Desert Flower.
Freitag, 17. August 2012
Out of Bavaria
Today is a day of mixed feelings: today would have been the last day of my internship in Namibia - and here we go: I am experiencing one of these sad moments, one of these moments in which thoughts like "why didn't you stay?" and "why did you let go such a chance?" are on my mind. Namibia, Africa has been on my mind ever since I decided to come back. And still I don't really feel any regrets, I guess it was just supposed to be like that, it was not the right time - for me.
What makes me less sad is that I know for sure I will, I have to return to Africa. Plus if I stayed in Namibia, I would not be in Bonn right now.
Bonn is not Africa, but still I was a bit excited when I left Munich last week, when I left Bavaria in direction to the depths of - Prussia!!!! I had never been to the Western part of Germany before and I worried about things like "Will I be able to communicate with the people up there? I am not speaking any Prussian, only Bavarian?:O", "Will I be beaten up on some Schalke 04 fans now that I live so close to Gelsenkirchen?", "Oh no, I heard they only have this strange water with some beer taste called Kölsch...what if in a sudden emergency I need a "gscheids Radler" or a "schönes kühles Augsutiner???" and "what if it is really true and Bonn is all black and white??? should I take my colors?".
Fortunately after my first week here in the Rheinland I can tell you: my worries, doubts and fears were a bit exaggerated: I seem to be very talented in terms of languages, people tend to understand me and I understand the guys here...I guess it is somehow like between Italians and Spaniards: they do not speak the same language, but can easily communicate with each other. Schalke still seems to be too far away...or the Schalke people are simply not leaving Gelsenkirchen ever...anyhow, I have not been beaten up yet and as I am exercising for my half marathon anyhow, I planned to run as fast as I can as soon as I will meet someone that looks like a Schalke fan.
About the beer...I have not found a Augustiner beer retailer yet, but our world famous Bavarian beer has also made it up here, so you can find diverse other Bavarian beers all over the city and I guess a Hofbräu or Oettinger Bier will be ok, too, in a real emergency situation. And finally, Bonn is not all black and white. Someone must have been here before me and has colored anything and everything...so actually the city looks quite nice (well done, unkown painter!).
So I guess - as my internship seems to be quite good, too - I can not only make it and stay here for the next 8 weeks, but it will actually be really nice to experience this adventure out of Bavaria, but within German boarders.
PS: I do hope y'all know that this was meant in a funny way. To me, it is true "You can take a Bavarian out of Bavaria, but you can never take Bavaria out of a Bavarian", but right now I am a very happy Bavarian out of Bavaria in a wonderful, nice and beautiful city with wonderful and nice people (the only guy who I so far met and could not really stand was from...Southern Germany...).
What makes me less sad is that I know for sure I will, I have to return to Africa. Plus if I stayed in Namibia, I would not be in Bonn right now.
Bonn is not Africa, but still I was a bit excited when I left Munich last week, when I left Bavaria in direction to the depths of - Prussia!!!! I had never been to the Western part of Germany before and I worried about things like "Will I be able to communicate with the people up there? I am not speaking any Prussian, only Bavarian?:O", "Will I be beaten up on some Schalke 04 fans now that I live so close to Gelsenkirchen?", "Oh no, I heard they only have this strange water with some beer taste called Kölsch...what if in a sudden emergency I need a "gscheids Radler" or a "schönes kühles Augsutiner???" and "what if it is really true and Bonn is all black and white??? should I take my colors?".
Fortunately after my first week here in the Rheinland I can tell you: my worries, doubts and fears were a bit exaggerated: I seem to be very talented in terms of languages, people tend to understand me and I understand the guys here...I guess it is somehow like between Italians and Spaniards: they do not speak the same language, but can easily communicate with each other. Schalke still seems to be too far away...or the Schalke people are simply not leaving Gelsenkirchen ever...anyhow, I have not been beaten up yet and as I am exercising for my half marathon anyhow, I planned to run as fast as I can as soon as I will meet someone that looks like a Schalke fan.
About the beer...I have not found a Augustiner beer retailer yet, but our world famous Bavarian beer has also made it up here, so you can find diverse other Bavarian beers all over the city and I guess a Hofbräu or Oettinger Bier will be ok, too, in a real emergency situation. And finally, Bonn is not all black and white. Someone must have been here before me and has colored anything and everything...so actually the city looks quite nice (well done, unkown painter!).
So I guess - as my internship seems to be quite good, too - I can not only make it and stay here for the next 8 weeks, but it will actually be really nice to experience this adventure out of Bavaria, but within German boarders.
PS: I do hope y'all know that this was meant in a funny way. To me, it is true "You can take a Bavarian out of Bavaria, but you can never take Bavaria out of a Bavarian", but right now I am a very happy Bavarian out of Bavaria in a wonderful, nice and beautiful city with wonderful and nice people (the only guy who I so far met and could not really stand was from...Southern Germany...).
Dienstag, 29. Mai 2012
Erdbeerzeit
Früh aufstehen, die Luft ist noch frisch, die Augen noch schwer. Kaffee. Sich freuen, so früh auf zu sein, trotz der Müdigkeit. Auto beladen, zu den Plantagen fahren. Die Ruhe auf den Feldern genießen - einen kurzen Moment - und weiter.
Nach Hause. Frühstück mit der Familie - oder mit Teilen davon. Butterbreze, manchmal Croissant, oft Brot und keine Zeit. Heute schon. Sogar viel.
Also kurze Auszeit. Laufen - durch die Felder. In der Sonne. Nur ich. Musik. Weite.
Auf dem Rückweg auf unsere Wiese. Kurz den Wind spüren - und zuschauen, wie er Pusteblumen davon trägt. Klee pflücken - und Löwenzahn.
Ponies versorgen. Katzen streicheln. Vielleicht schon weiter zur nächsten Plantage - Nachschub liefern. Vielleicht auch nur duschen und Mittag essen. Von Mama lernen.
Danach wieder Plantage, aber dieses Mal bleiben, so wie früher, Erdbeeren verkaufen, den Leuten erklären wohin, Erdbeeren riechen, Auskunft geben, Erdbeeren essen. Alte Bekannte treffen, Kindergeschichten lauschen, Kindern zustimmen, die finden, Mama sollte den ganzen Tag froh sein. Sich über Kinder ärgern, die Steine gegen die Hütte schmeißen. Lesen. Mit der Schwester reden und kein Eis essen.
Abends Sachen packen, die Sonne beobachten, Wolken, und nach Hause. Mit dem Hund durch die Felder radeln. Essen für alle. Zusammensitzen. Weitermachen. Morgen vorbereiten. Im Dunkeln vor dem Haus sitzen, in den Flickenteppich Wolkenhimmel schauen und Sterne finden. Tief einatmen und schlafen gehen.
Donnerstag, 10. Mai 2012
Es gibt nichts Gutes, außer man tut es.
Ich weiß nicht, ob ich den moralischen Ansprüchen, die ich stelle, selbst genüge oder überhaupt genügen kann. Ob ich mich wirklich von vielen anderen unterscheide oder doch nur genauso durch die Welt laufe wie diese vielen anderen.
Ich sehe aber auch, dass es zumeist diejenigen sind, die etwas am meisten verdient hätten, die am Ende leer ausgehen, denen das Glück verwehrt bleibt, bei denen man sich denkt, warum eigentlich.
Und ich denke auch, dass ein bisschen weniger Selbstbezogenheit unserer Gesellschaft, unserem Umgang mit anderen Menschen, zumindest nicht schaden würde.
Vielleicht ist es aber auch genau diese Selbstbezogenheit, die manchen Menschen, genau denen, die es eben besonders verdient hätten, aber vielleicht zu wenig selbstbezogen sind, den Weg zum Glück so steinig macht.
Mittwoch, 2. Mai 2012
The freedom of man does not reside in the fact that he can do what he wants but in the fact that he does not have to do what he does not want to do.
There are things you cannot explain.
Why I decided to return home to Munich after I had already been to Namibia - a wonderful and beautiful country in which I could have spent 4 months, where I could have done a more than interesting internship, where I could have got to know a facet of Africa is inexplicable even to myself. Especially because now that I have just returned to Munich I am already longing for Africa again - for a return to Namibia or any other place. Africa, this continent I have dealt with for the last 2 years - since I have got to known my Somali boys , the unattended underaged refugees that - God knows how - had made there way to Munich and gave me so much.
And yet there are no regrets, I feel so good being back here in Munich.
A paradox!
All I know is that is so not about Namibia, not about Africa, but about me. The place is almost meaningless. This would have also happened in Berlin, Germany, Lima, Peru or Perth, Australia. The fact that I either have been on the road for the last three years or have been working for school more than necessary might be more significant. It seems like I have forgotten myself a bit so that now that I had this unique chance I am rather longing for a piece of freedom and easiness instead of fighting and lasting and sticking it out. Maybe I am just a bit tired. No matter what I feel like it was the right decision. A very wise friend told me there is no need to justify myself.
And Rousseau had already written: "The freedom of man does not reside in the fact that he can do what he wants but in the fact that he does not have to do what he does not want to do."
I have hardly ever felt as free as I do now.
I like the circumstance to not know what will be tomorrow or a weak, where I will sleep tonight and where all this is leading to and where it will end. I feel like anything and everything is possible, but nothing must happen.
I am sure that the moment will come in which I will regret my decision - at least a bit. Maybe there will be only a few of these moments, maybe there will be a whole bunch, but in the end I feel - I know that there is a purpose in everything that happens, that I have done and that I will do.
Africa won't get out of my mind - I feel like because I know what is going on in the world, what injustice is taking place I have to act, it is my moral duty. French nobel prize winner André Gide wrote in his "Voyage au Congo" - "I am now inhabited my an immense wailing. I know things that I cannot tolerate. (...) But now that I know I have to speak."
I feel he is right.
So I stick to the saying of infamous Bavarian Räuber Kneißl : "I cannot tolerate injustice. I cannot succumb. I rather prefer to perish" - and I say myself "See you soon, Africa! Wherever, whenever." Even though it was not supposed to be now, our paths are gonna cross again - for sure.
A paradox!
All I know is that is so not about Namibia, not about Africa, but about me. The place is almost meaningless. This would have also happened in Berlin, Germany, Lima, Peru or Perth, Australia. The fact that I either have been on the road for the last three years or have been working for school more than necessary might be more significant. It seems like I have forgotten myself a bit so that now that I had this unique chance I am rather longing for a piece of freedom and easiness instead of fighting and lasting and sticking it out. Maybe I am just a bit tired. No matter what I feel like it was the right decision. A very wise friend told me there is no need to justify myself.
And Rousseau had already written: "The freedom of man does not reside in the fact that he can do what he wants but in the fact that he does not have to do what he does not want to do."
I have hardly ever felt as free as I do now.
I like the circumstance to not know what will be tomorrow or a weak, where I will sleep tonight and where all this is leading to and where it will end. I feel like anything and everything is possible, but nothing must happen.
I am sure that the moment will come in which I will regret my decision - at least a bit. Maybe there will be only a few of these moments, maybe there will be a whole bunch, but in the end I feel - I know that there is a purpose in everything that happens, that I have done and that I will do.
Africa won't get out of my mind - I feel like because I know what is going on in the world, what injustice is taking place I have to act, it is my moral duty. French nobel prize winner André Gide wrote in his "Voyage au Congo" - "I am now inhabited my an immense wailing. I know things that I cannot tolerate. (...) But now that I know I have to speak."
I feel he is right.
So I stick to the saying of infamous Bavarian Räuber Kneißl : "I cannot tolerate injustice. I cannot succumb. I rather prefer to perish" - and I say myself "See you soon, Africa! Wherever, whenever." Even though it was not supposed to be now, our paths are gonna cross again - for sure.
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