Montag, 4. Februar 2013
when January ends and February begins - a snapshot
Practicing skateboarding - at least try to, cold winter wind in the face, mountains on the horizon, rainy birthday - couldn't be any better, being vivid, making mistakes - intentionally, realizing that some mistakes are unavoidable - should not be avoided - must not be avoided - cannot be avoided, venturing more, daring more, risking more, overcoming fear, being brave(r), being afraid of risking to much, starting to like - nevertheless, not want to be disappointed - again, want to be want, longing to be liked backed, snow on the skin, day dreaming, being best friends - enjoying to be best friends, being happy to have a best friend, practicing snowboarding - at least try to, accepting challenges, dreaming, laughing, having doubts - for short moments or even longer ones, opening up, being lonely - sometimes, rushing water, snow on the fields, snow underneath, listening, being there for each other, being there for others, valuing friends - and letting them know, valuing in general, living, being free, not thinking - from time to time, dancing, thinking too much - every now and again - mostly in the wrong moments, wanting more, feeling music, feeling, concentrating, wanting more, feeling free - seizing those moments, wanting more, dreaming of journeys, planning journeys, looking forward to coming home, being happy to be at home, feeling alive, being - simply being.
Samstag, 12. Januar 2013
Made a wrong turn once or twice, bad decisions: that's alright.
This last year has been fucking hard, but I have learned a lot and maybe it was simply necessary to go through all this shit to be able to see, to recognize, to understand and most important of all to feel what I see, recognize, understand and feel now. For sure I still wish it would have also been able to do so without all that shit that has happened, I still wish I had been smarter before, that some of the things could have worked out or would have at least happened in a different way. Whatever.
I feel better know, I feel a bit grown up, more focused, especially more focused on me. I am about to realize that there is no use in comparing, no use in trynna be the way someone could want me, expect me to be, how it might be supposed to be, no use in trynna be the way someone else is.
I am about to realize that who I am and will be, what I am and will be, how it is and will be, is not dependent on someone else, but on me only.
I am about to realize that there is always gonne be a future. Doing this instead of that does not mean it'll be all screwed up, does not mean I screwed it all up.
I am about to realize that trynna prepare for just something, for a simple option, trynna reach something I might eventually be able to do, but that I might not even wanna do, is not what life is all about. Not for me at least. That there is especially no use in doing so when that means you're missing the present, when you have to give up who you are. I missed a big part of my present, I gave up a big part of myself. I am not willing to continue this.
This was a hard lesson learned, but a very important one. What was, is maybe best about it is that it made me also realize that I am not so alone; that I am so not alone. I might be a loner (sometimes), I need time on my own, for myself, maybe even a lot of time, I might do certain things differently, but: I am not alone. There are a couple of very special people, people very special to me, let's call them friends, sisters, brother, mother, who are with me.
Thank you.
I am so very well aware that this whole shit I am writing today is way to sentimental and more than theatrical, but hell, I have just started to feel better, to see things in a different way, different light, to calm down, to relax, to look at what I have and not on what I could have and what I am missing or what I thought I was missing. It feels so much better than trynna be perfect for whoever or whatever. That just seems to be fucking perfect to me.
PS: Thanks PINK for writing the soundtrack to this blog entry. I am more than honored :)
I feel better know, I feel a bit grown up, more focused, especially more focused on me. I am about to realize that there is no use in comparing, no use in trynna be the way someone could want me, expect me to be, how it might be supposed to be, no use in trynna be the way someone else is.
I am about to realize that who I am and will be, what I am and will be, how it is and will be, is not dependent on someone else, but on me only.
I am about to realize that there is always gonne be a future. Doing this instead of that does not mean it'll be all screwed up, does not mean I screwed it all up.
I am about to realize that trynna prepare for just something, for a simple option, trynna reach something I might eventually be able to do, but that I might not even wanna do, is not what life is all about. Not for me at least. That there is especially no use in doing so when that means you're missing the present, when you have to give up who you are. I missed a big part of my present, I gave up a big part of myself. I am not willing to continue this.
This was a hard lesson learned, but a very important one. What was, is maybe best about it is that it made me also realize that I am not so alone; that I am so not alone. I might be a loner (sometimes), I need time on my own, for myself, maybe even a lot of time, I might do certain things differently, but: I am not alone. There are a couple of very special people, people very special to me, let's call them friends, sisters, brother, mother, who are with me.
Thank you.
I am so very well aware that this whole shit I am writing today is way to sentimental and more than theatrical, but hell, I have just started to feel better, to see things in a different way, different light, to calm down, to relax, to look at what I have and not on what I could have and what I am missing or what I thought I was missing. It feels so much better than trynna be perfect for whoever or whatever. That just seems to be fucking perfect to me.
PS: Thanks PINK for writing the soundtrack to this blog entry. I am more than honored :)
Samstag, 29. Dezember 2012
Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness
I am not very good in standing still. And to me it seems like 2012 has been a year of stillness, no progress. Standing still has been and still is hard for me to accept and sometimes it really made me go crazy. I tried hard to break the stillness, but did not succeed which made it even harder to accept. I could say I'm wiser for it. But the be honest I am sure that there will be lots of moments in the future were I'll look back on 2012 with regrets, melancholically, there'll be questions that I won't be able to answer myelf.
So 2012 was a tough year. I've seen better days, for sure. But on the other hand I should not, I must not forget that I had nice moments, too.
April 21, for example, when my volleyball team that was supposed to be disband before the season was promoted.
Or April 25, the Wednesday on which I watched the Champions League semifinals rematch with my sister and two guys from Angola in Windhoek, Namibia. The seminfinals rematch FC Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid, one of the crasiest matches I have ever seen.
July 26, up in the mountains, hiking with my sister.
The night from October 6 to October 7, that I spent in the night train Berlin - Cologne, together with a 60 year old Irish farmer who I was talking to and disucssing with until 5 in the morning.
October 14, when I was running my 2nd half-marathon and afterwards going to a suprise concert with my sister.
October 21, a bright and sunny Sunday on which I was wandering around Heidelberg, one of my favorite cities in the world.
December 15 and 16, the weekend on which I explored the french soul and the behavior of boars with my roommates and a good friend in the kitchen of our apartment, on which I was dancing with my new roommate and his friend the next night, on which I was talking to my good old friend who made me realize that sometimes standing still is a necessity.
There will be lots of moments in the future were I'll look back on 2012 with regrets, melancholically, there'll be questions that I won't be able to answer myelf. But in moments like this I'll also trynna remember those good days I had. And I will, I am gonna remember myself what I'm always gonna have: I am alive, I am free and no later than 2013 I'm gonna be back on the pursuit of happiness also.
So 2012 was a tough year. I've seen better days, for sure. But on the other hand I should not, I must not forget that I had nice moments, too.
April 21, for example, when my volleyball team that was supposed to be disband before the season was promoted.
Or April 25, the Wednesday on which I watched the Champions League semifinals rematch with my sister and two guys from Angola in Windhoek, Namibia. The seminfinals rematch FC Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid, one of the crasiest matches I have ever seen.
July 26, up in the mountains, hiking with my sister.
The night from October 6 to October 7, that I spent in the night train Berlin - Cologne, together with a 60 year old Irish farmer who I was talking to and disucssing with until 5 in the morning.
October 14, when I was running my 2nd half-marathon and afterwards going to a suprise concert with my sister.
October 21, a bright and sunny Sunday on which I was wandering around Heidelberg, one of my favorite cities in the world.
December 15 and 16, the weekend on which I explored the french soul and the behavior of boars with my roommates and a good friend in the kitchen of our apartment, on which I was dancing with my new roommate and his friend the next night, on which I was talking to my good old friend who made me realize that sometimes standing still is a necessity.
There will be lots of moments in the future were I'll look back on 2012 with regrets, melancholically, there'll be questions that I won't be able to answer myelf. But in moments like this I'll also trynna remember those good days I had. And I will, I am gonna remember myself what I'm always gonna have: I am alive, I am free and no later than 2013 I'm gonna be back on the pursuit of happiness also.
Dienstag, 4. Dezember 2012
unhappily happy winter blues thoughts
Doing a headstand, sitting on top of the "mountain" of Munich's Olympic Park - at night, watching stars, feeling snow on your face, breathing in - really deeply, warming up your hands at a hot cup of coffee - or tea, painting, walking really slowly, closing the eyes and listening to this one song that is touching your heart, going ice skating, falling in love - maybe - or not, meeting old friends again, feeling the warmth of the radiator, travelling spontaneously, activating your inner cinema and dreaming away to Norway, melting chochlate on your tongue, beeing sentimental for no reason, baking christmas cookies with your mamma, looking at the lights in the streets, listening to the sound of snow, thinking of the good old times, being cold for fun, saying goodbye and welcome at the same time,looking out of the window, eating nuts and oranges in front of a tiled stove, beeing sad - at least a bit, longing away while already missing home, staying home an desperately longing away, being friends, waiting until the new year finally arrives, playing christmas carols on the guitar, being unhappily happy and happily unhappy at the same time, waiting for a sign, waiting for somebody - or anybody, thinking: nothing at all - or at least try to.
Donnerstag, 8. November 2012
Moments like this
Life might still be a bitch, but in fact it is these little moments that make life yet worthwhile, little moments that might even have the power to make everything worthwhile, little moments that make you stop thinking and simply consist of pure feeling. They might mean nothing or all, they might not even last a second, but have impact forever...or at least make you forget about this bitch called life for this very moment.
It is moment like this....
...when you are riding your bike home and feel the fresh fall air in your face
...when you close your eyes and fell the sun on your skin
...when you jump into a big heap of foliane
...when you can't stop crying because of a movie
...when it starts snowing and you take a deep breath of that snow-cold air
...when you giggle with your sisters
...when you watch the clouds pass by
...when you look into the eyes of someone and feel connected at once
...when you realize that someone is a real friend
...when you look into a sky full of stars
...when you are riding a train through your homeland and feel truly connected ...when you give something to someone that cannot be bought with money
...when you watch a bird in the sky and can feel its freedom
...when you sit at the beach listening to and watching the waves of the sea
...when you close your eyes and get kissed softely by someone on the forehead
...when you feel home
...when you have reached the top of a mountain and are gazing into distance
...when you are watching a plain that is about to land and think of all the people coming home with it
...when you watch reunions at the airport
...when you get goose bumps because of a song
...when you start dancing in the middle of a supermarket
...when you truly feel the music you are listening to
...when you might not only feel the music, but just start moving to it
...when you realize that you are loved by someone and love that someone back
There are a thousand more little moments like this, they are a very personal experience and cannot be planned - that is what makes them so special, that is what gives them their power. So no matter how life is treating you right now - if such a little moment is happening to you, make sure to enjoy it to the full!
If you don't like what oyu have just read... you can find a whole other interpretation of today's blog entry topic "moments like this" by listening to Reamonn's song..you can also listen to it if you like my words and simply do some head banging or dancing ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLYs1RhSM6k&feature=related
It is moment like this....
...when you are riding your bike home and feel the fresh fall air in your face
...when you close your eyes and fell the sun on your skin
...when you jump into a big heap of foliane
...when you can't stop crying because of a movie
...when it starts snowing and you take a deep breath of that snow-cold air
...when you giggle with your sisters
...when you watch the clouds pass by
...when you look into the eyes of someone and feel connected at once
...when you realize that someone is a real friend
...when you look into a sky full of stars
...when you are riding a train through your homeland and feel truly connected ...when you give something to someone that cannot be bought with money
...when you watch a bird in the sky and can feel its freedom
...when you sit at the beach listening to and watching the waves of the sea
...when you close your eyes and get kissed softely by someone on the forehead
...when you feel home
...when you have reached the top of a mountain and are gazing into distance
...when you are watching a plain that is about to land and think of all the people coming home with it
...when you watch reunions at the airport
...when you get goose bumps because of a song
...when you start dancing in the middle of a supermarket
...when you truly feel the music you are listening to
...when you might not only feel the music, but just start moving to it
...when you realize that you are loved by someone and love that someone back
There are a thousand more little moments like this, they are a very personal experience and cannot be planned - that is what makes them so special, that is what gives them their power. So no matter how life is treating you right now - if such a little moment is happening to you, make sure to enjoy it to the full!
If you don't like what oyu have just read... you can find a whole other interpretation of today's blog entry topic "moments like this" by listening to Reamonn's song..you can also listen to it if you like my words and simply do some head banging or dancing ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLYs1RhSM6k&feature=related
Sonntag, 7. Oktober 2012
Forrest's Mama knows it all...
I don't know if Forrest Gump's Mama was ever riding a train a all, bu I am pretty sure that she had never taken the night train, in one of those 6-man cabins that you can get tickets on-line for not too much money. Yet she knew it all, cuz: Night trains are like a box of chocolate - you never know who's gonna be with you in your cabin.
I have been using that cheap-ticket-night-train option quite a bit(good, though not the most comfy way to travel through Europe when you don't have that much money) and hell, yeah, it is always exciting who you get along as company with this seat in the 6-man cabin in a train that is taking you from A to B... Sometimes you can tell the very first second you see your company what night you will have...like on my trip from Munich to Paris last January...three big black women were entering the cabin and I was sure this night would be one of little sleep and lots of loud talk and laughter...or when I was going from Munich to Venice, only an Italian middle-aged women and I - I knew that it would be quite a relaxing ride with lots of space, at least some sleep and almost no worries about someone steeling your stuff.
But sometimes your first impression is full of prejudices as well a stereo types and the night on the train takes a surprising and interesting course.
Like the one from Venice to Munich when I was in the cabin with Miroslav and his friend, both truck drivers, about 50 years old and Germans with migration background from an Eastern Europe country. When I stepped in the cabin I have to admit I was not very happy about my company, but the two were the most polite guys that finally were scared of me when I started to scream while sleeping and not the other way round.
Kind of the same happened yesterday night when I was on the night train from Berlin to Cologne. I was not to pleased to see that I would be all alone in the cabin with a 60-year old almost toothless guy in a jogging suit (who happened to be a farmer from Ireland with a strong passion for traveling whenever there is just a little bit of money left and who had already been to Cuba and Viet Nam and who was once refused to enter Israel)...but I ended up talking to him until 5 in the morning about traveling, Irish history, the unknown, WW II , the sense of jails and so mnny other things although there would have been enough space to sleep all night long in a not too uncomfy position.
As a girl who is taking the night train on her own I always have some butterflies in my stomach as I never know what piece of chocolate I'm gonna get out of the box as company in my 6 man cabin. But so far I can say that the pieces might have tasted differently and differently good, yet they were all made of chocolate and I still like the taste of chocolate a lot.
I have been using that cheap-ticket-night-train option quite a bit(good, though not the most comfy way to travel through Europe when you don't have that much money) and hell, yeah, it is always exciting who you get along as company with this seat in the 6-man cabin in a train that is taking you from A to B... Sometimes you can tell the very first second you see your company what night you will have...like on my trip from Munich to Paris last January...three big black women were entering the cabin and I was sure this night would be one of little sleep and lots of loud talk and laughter...or when I was going from Munich to Venice, only an Italian middle-aged women and I - I knew that it would be quite a relaxing ride with lots of space, at least some sleep and almost no worries about someone steeling your stuff.
But sometimes your first impression is full of prejudices as well a stereo types and the night on the train takes a surprising and interesting course.
Like the one from Venice to Munich when I was in the cabin with Miroslav and his friend, both truck drivers, about 50 years old and Germans with migration background from an Eastern Europe country. When I stepped in the cabin I have to admit I was not very happy about my company, but the two were the most polite guys that finally were scared of me when I started to scream while sleeping and not the other way round.
Kind of the same happened yesterday night when I was on the night train from Berlin to Cologne. I was not to pleased to see that I would be all alone in the cabin with a 60-year old almost toothless guy in a jogging suit (who happened to be a farmer from Ireland with a strong passion for traveling whenever there is just a little bit of money left and who had already been to Cuba and Viet Nam and who was once refused to enter Israel)...but I ended up talking to him until 5 in the morning about traveling, Irish history, the unknown, WW II , the sense of jails and so mnny other things although there would have been enough space to sleep all night long in a not too uncomfy position.
As a girl who is taking the night train on her own I always have some butterflies in my stomach as I never know what piece of chocolate I'm gonna get out of the box as company in my 6 man cabin. But so far I can say that the pieces might have tasted differently and differently good, yet they were all made of chocolate and I still like the taste of chocolate a lot.
Mittwoch, 5. September 2012
Obama? Obama!
When I was a young kid I was really fascinated by Heinz Sielmann, a German biologist, ethologist and animal film/documentary maker. But besides him and my Mom who I admire for her strength, strong will and love for us kids, the Obamas, and especially the first lady Michelle, are the first people in my life who I really look up to, who I consider as role models. I got chills while only reading about the First Lady's speech on the Democratic Convention. I don't know how big the influence of the President on the politics of the United States can actually be - with all these constraints he has to deal with - but I really hope that President Obama gets re-elected,that he gets the chance to serve for a second term - not only because I like, admire him personally, not only because I think that he did not do such a bad job in this worldwide difficult times during the last 4 years, but also because I would feel much better to know that one of the (few) good guys is President of the United States and that this good guy would have a strong, wonderful and inspiring wife at his side.
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